Sometimes, I feel like I’m breathing through cloth and looking at the world through gray dirty eyes. Things aren’t black and dismal but dirty gray.
Moving to California didn’t help me feel alive and energetic like I thought it would. Energized me only lasted a few days. Then, “Slam!” right back into this lifeless place. I thought my work in therapy would change me and make me calmer and more easygoing. In some ways, it has, and I am, but at my core, I am still as negative and depressed as I always was. In San Francisco, I don’t have the advantage of being known by people for a long time, being seen for who I am, and being loved for how hard I’ve worked and how much better I am now. I am back to the neurotic, nothing special I was so many years ago, only now it’s not funny anymore. I’m too old for this lack of hope. I never imagined I would be this person. I guess no one ever does. We all imagine we’ll be SOMETHING when we’re younger. I always felt everyone thought I was supposed to be something big when I was younger, and now I’m a little disappointed no one ever said it’s okay to find something you like and be happy with it. You don’t have to change the world. It’s incredible to be happy and help someone else.
What a disaster my life turned into. Divorced at thirty-four. The whole thing sucks. I’m sick to death of pain and anguish in my life. Sick to death. I don’t know what I’m grieving–my past, my present, or my future. I don’t feel like any of them are worth much right now. If I sit still and think long enough, I only want to drink to oblivion and jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. I can see it outside my office window in full color.
After writing this post, I started taking medication. Miraculously, I’m not depressed and miserable anymore. I’ve struggled with depression throughout my life and didn’t know it until this January. What a tremendous gift to find help. If the price for sanity and happiness is medication, it’s worth every penny.
For more information, see the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (Suicide Prevention) website.